Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Rants from Mommyland

I frequent this blog rants from mommyland I can't remember how I came across it but some days it is just what I need to read.  I love my children and I love being able to be home with them, but some days they try my patience to the point that I wonder why I ever had children in the first place.  Anyways  today I read this old post and I was laughing so hard I couldn't stop.  Ashton came in and wanted to know why I was laughing so hard.    My favorite quotes were:

"Kids shouldn't eat crap."

How hard is it to prepare wholesome, organic, homemade meals and snacks all the time? I once threw an open bag of cheesies down the basement stairs to stop my kids from fighting like drunk white girls while I was on a really important phone call. They swarmed it like racoons and ate all the trans fat goodness silently off the floor. I stand by my actions and I'd do it again in a heartbeat.

"Kids shouldn't watch too much tv."

Oh, but what's that? Children stand behind you like a 20lb footstool when you're carrying pots of boiling water, try to throw things down the toilet while you're cleaning it or take their diaper off and pee down the air vents while you're taking a shower?! Oh, too bad there isn't a magical box that played friendly pictures and sounds to distract them for a few minutes while you went poo. Wait. What?

"How hard is it to keep your cool?"

Pretty hard sometimes. I find that small children have given me a snapping threshold that would make Gordon Ramsay say "Whoa, cool it lady." Inanimate objects seem to be the main focus of my wrath because they won't be taken away from me if I really start spitting cherries (best. phrase. ever.) Instead, I find myself hulking the tabs off the effing diaper because they won't peel up, drop kicking a basket of mittens across the room because I can't find a pair that matches or swearing that if I ever find the murther furking jackhole that put 14 previews on every kid DVD, I will chant "Kali Ma" as I plunge my bare fist into their chest and pull out their still-beating heart. Breeeeeeeathe.

I am not sure why I thought it was so funny but I couldn't stop laughing.  Maybe it is just nice to know that I am not alone in how I feel.